Have You Wondered Series - The Hotel Room

Has anyone wondered about the weird things placed in a hotel room? I think these things have been so prevalent in hotel rooms, that new hoteliers feel that not having them will somehow affect their star ratings. No one cares to think why these items were placed in the first place.  Let me elaborate:

There is generally an electronic vault in the wardrobe with a fancy note beautifully placed above it which says something like “At Royal Resorts we care for the safety of your belongings. Hence each room is equipped with the finest quality vault. However, we are not responsible for any loss or thefts. (Huh!!). We suggest, if you have anything very precious to you, please hand it over at the reception. We have special vaults at the reception which will ensure the safety of your valuables. Once again, the hotel management is not responsible for any loss. (Are you kidding me!!)” Well thanks being honest about the honesty of your staff. That was very reassuring to hear on the first day of my stay.

And how about trying to get into the bed. The blankets are so tightly tucked in. Its like the housekeepers are trying to tell you “Its for your own good; so that you don’t fall of the bed” or “I just made the bed today, I don’t wanna redo it tomorrow” or “I did a great job, you jackass, how about you try ‘n lose some fat first”

And finally, the bathroom. The moment you enter the bathroom, you notice the huge mirror across the length of the room. Does anyone really enjoy looking at their naked self? I guess the beer-bellied guys won’t mind. It helps them keep a check on how their ‘thing’ is doing (FYI… I ain’t one of them). But seriously. What purpose does it serve. I could think of only one purpose; and I can tell you this because I tried it. You can actually play a game in there. Try peeing while looking in the mirror. It’s a complete mindf*** to get the aim right. Or probably I felt that way cause I was a bit too wasted.

And the weirdest part.. A telephone – placed right adjacent to the pot. Whenever I see that, I hope none of my friends call me from in there. I can imagine how the conversation would go:

V: Hello Ojas

O: Hey Vinit, How are you doing?

V: MMMhhh.. my situation is a bit tight right now.

O: Why? What happened?

V: There is this thing stuck inside of me.. MMHh. Just can’t get it out.

O: Oh. I know how you feel man. It’s sometimes very tough to let people know how you feel. But it hurts to keep such things inside. And it doesn’t help the relationship.

V: The relationship? Anyway, so what do you do in such situations.. MMhh

O: You gotta get it out of you no matter what the consequences. Just go for it man.  Don’t let emotions bog you.

V: Emotions? You mean pain?

O: Yeah. The pain. Go for it dude. Focus. Try real hard.

V: Ok Let me try.. MMMMMMhh

O: WTF.

Time to hang up.

Duck vs. Pancho

Disclaimer: if any word in the below mentioned blog seems incomprehensible, kindly replace a few letters with letters that make sense in an expletive way. Considering the sanctity of public forums, I am bound to not use such words explicitly. For starters, try decoding the Title. If you are unable to do so now, you are probably incompetent to read the content below and hence are urged not to waste any further time reading it.

The inspiration for this blog came from a colleague who, very comfortably and casually, uses the word “Duck”. The word flows in her language as naturally as she breathes air. During general chit-chat with her one fine day, I happened to use the word “Khufiya”. She was utterly disgusted with the use of such an “obscene and gross and vulgar” term. I initially apologized for my crime, but she went on profusely about the usage of the word and its inappropriateness. This got me heated up and we ended up with a lengthy argument; that and an inspiration for a new blog.

The above mentioned incident is not the first one I have had. Over the past few years, I have observed tremendous amount of discrimination against our national language, within our generation, with respect to the use of profanities. It makes me wonder why there is such a tremendous bias towards the duck. Mother duck and Sister duck in all senses, tenses and usages have the same meaning as Macho and Pancho. When a guy uses a Duck, he’s considered to be cool, but if the same guy uses a Pancho, he’s considered ugly. Why the difference? Are we so gung-ho about the English language?

Personally, I am a staunch supporter of Hindi (even though I am not very good at it J) especially when it comes to profanities. The amount of diversity and flexibility provided by Hindi swearwords is in no dimension even comparable to what the fragile Duck provides. Let me tell you my journey from introduction to casual acquaintance to deep friendship with Hindi and its expletives.

When I joined engineering and was surrounded by Hindi speaking folks I first heard the words Pancho and Macho (seriously, at the age of 17). I was initially taken aback by its perverted meaning, but was later explained how it is casually used as a manner of speaking and not meant literally. Through the first 6 months, I observed as people used these words in different contexts, to mean different things; I was shocked; amazed by the wide applicability of these words. It was probably during the fag end of my first year that I introduced these words into my vocabulary. And since then, there has been no looking back.

My personal favorite has always been Pancho. I have been widely criticized and appreciated for my frequent usage of the word, of course by different sets of people. Let us see how Pancho is a useful word to express various emotions.

EMOTION	PANCHO
Anger	Pancho!!
Shock	Pehen…cho!! (wish there was a way to record sound on this)
Dismissal	Bhak Pancho!
Trouble	Pen chu gayi
Aggression	Pancho!

 As you can see from the simple analysis above, Pancho can be used in different contexts to express various deep emotions which are extremely difficult to express otherwise.

Hence, I urge everyone to freely use Hindi profanities in their daily conversations. They complete some of the most messed up as well as some happy moments of your life. If you are uncomfortable using such words, please try to accept them as a way to express one’s feelings and not interpret it literally; the same way all of you have casually made room for Ducks in your life, please don’t forget the home grown Pancho.